Thoughts and Ramblings

On September 14th Dean and I will celebrate 11 years of marriage. It’s been quite a ride wouldn’t you say, Dean!! I love you. I love us.

(We are actually getting away together next weekend!! Newport Beach here we come!!)

I’m actually here. Just really focused on other things right now … but here is an update.

First, I LOVE my job. I couldn’t be happier. I have been at Amgen for 2 months now. Boy how time flies!! I work with a great bunch of guys like my cube mate, Scott, and my friend, Rich, who told me about the job to begin with. We have all become pretty good friends. We joke around a lot. Besides all of the amazing benefits I like being so close to home and Dean visits me for lunch at least 3 times a week!!

More going on …. our Thousand Oaks team has also been meeting weekly to refine and clarify our strategy for VOX culture pubs. It has a lot of us thinking about the Gospel and what it really means. Good (and hard) and important stuff to be processing as we move forward.

Another focus of mine (which has also kept me out of the blog world) is weight training. I have really become addicted. I train 3 times a week in the morning and then I go back to the gym in the evenings another 3 to 4 days a week to do cardio or Pilates or I run. Yeah, the gym is my second home!! Lately, my friends and Dean have encouraged me to become a personal trainer because I love it so much. So, I am going to do just that!! It will take about 3 to 6 months to prepare for the big exam. Once I pass I will be certified and can work in a gym!!

One thing that has kept me from committing the time it takes to become a trainer before now is that I didn’t want to expend all my energy on something that I didn’t feel would have some bigger purpose. I know I would be helping people get healthy, fit and strong and that I may even have opportunities to share deeper spiritual things with my clients but, for some reason, those ideas just weren’t compelling enough for me.

For several months now I have been looking for a more specific and important reason to spend 6 months preparing to become a trainer and then working a second job as one. I finally found my answer last weekend. God spoke so clearly that I could do something that I love and then give all of the money that I make doing it to help the Pokot people in Africa. See, it has never been about the money. Heck, I would train people for free. But, now I have a story to tell. My clients will know that the money they are investing is not only to get them fit but also bringing life to people that may not have life if we in the West didn’t do something. Anyway, it was been so freeing and exciting to discover this reason and purpose.

until next time here are some photos from the last few months …

 

The fam in Kauai for Christmas

 

Me in the Kauai surf (photo by Dean)

 

The gang at The Rainforest Cafe in Orlando, Florida.
Relaxing after the Humana 2.0 conference.

 

Me, Rachel and Staci - Humana 2.0

It’s 4:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep. So, I thought I would update my page. It has been over a month since I posted. Gosh, how time slips by!

Dean has been traveling with Alex for 12 days now. I am so proud of him. He and Alex are “Making Fire” all over the US! I love hearing the excitement in Dean’s voice when he shares with me some of the stories of the lives he has touched. I guess if we have to be apart at least I know it’s for a good reason.

But, I do miss him. I don’t like living like I am single. I miss his daily companionship and his touch. I do not like sleeping in our bed alone. Like the Police song says, “The bed’s too big without you.” But, I love technology! I get to see Dean with iChat and iSight. It makes his being away far more bearable.

Now, I am looking forward to Wednesday. I get on a plane and fly to New York where Dean and I will meet up and spend 5 days together!!! We are celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary. (It was on September 14th.)
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Since Dean has been away I have been doing a liver cleanse. Unfortunately, I’ve reached the dreaded plateau in my diet and workouts. So, it’s time to get serious and kick it up a notch.
MY GOAL:
A six-pack by Christmas! And, of course, toned thighs, hips and butt too! (We are going to Hawaii in December and I want to wear a bikini without having anything bulging or wiggling if you know what I mean! HAHA)

MY EATING PLAN:
I am starting off with the Fat Flush. It’s all about getting your liver functioning right so that your body can metabolize fat properly. I have been on the plan 12 days. It’s incredible. I feel good and have already lost 5 pounds and inches too!

MY WORKOUTS: Currently, I am doing a weight class and a kick boxing class. I will probably add a Hot Yoga class to my list (but I’ll talk more about that in another blog). I also decided to hire a personal trainer. I think my kick boxing teacher, Sally, inspired me the most. She is 15 years my senior and is in better shape than me! I can’t believe the things she has conditioned her body to do. Sally works with a trainer so I figure if I want a six-pack by Christmas I probably need to work with a trainer too. Sally recommended Ramon at my gym. I signed up last Saturday! I will start working with him right when I get back from New York. Can’t wait!

Does anybody have fitness or diet stories to share? Or even a good, healthy recipe? Let’s chat!

If you hear the words Sawyer or Walt and don’t think of Tom or Disney than you too may be addicted!

How about the words Dharma or hatch or Hurley or Kate or Flight 815

or the numbers
4 8 15 16 23 42

I may be a little late in joining the band wagon but now that I have … I am hooked!

Yes, I am talking about LOST …

My sister-in-law owns the first season on DVD. She has been bugging me to watch it for months. Why I chose to watch it now I don’t know. Once I got started I couldn’t stop. Dean, Jason and I would watch episode after episode. One night my son and I were be up until 4:45 AM. In fact, the sun started to come up when we finally went to bed. I got up 3 hours later and went to work but I didn’t care. It was worth it. I watched the entire first season in one week.

So, we finished the first season and then realized that the second season wouldn’t be available on DVD until September. But, oh no, that would not do! Dean did a little research and found out we could download the whole second season on iTunes. It just so happened that around that same time Dean and I got really sick. We were both out of work for about a week. All we felt like doing was watching movies and trying to keep our minds off of being sick. Can you believe I watched the entire second season of LOST on my laptop in 2 days …. that’s right … 2 days!!!

Hi, my name is Christina and I am addicted to LOST!

Anyone else feel the same way? Care to share your thoughts and opinions about the show?

We spent the morning at my parent’s house. Mom and I made breakfast for Dad, Dean, Jason and my grandma.

My dad took me aside and told me that I am very special. He said that when I say, “I love you, Dad” he hears such focused love directed at him and it makes his heart happy. Nice!

My Daddy

Then, Jason and I surprised Dean with a trip to LA in the afternoon to visit with Aaron. It was Aaron’s idea!
Chelsea made us dinner and we spent the afternoon just hanging out with them in their new apartment. It was one of the best Father’s Day for Dean in years.

I knew this would be the year …

The boys!

This picture makes my heart happy.

Do you want to know why?
This is Mrs. Scott Stapp and Scott’s son, Jagger. Jagger has been without a mom for most of his young life because she divorced Scott and left Jagger. Now, this new woman has entered their home and their hearts. She has made a choice to be with them. She has the opportunity to bring love and healing to these two men. It touches me on a very personal level because I made a choice 10 years ago for Dean and our boys, Aaron and Jason.

There are so many roads to choose in this life. Each decision bringing about change and consequence - life and death. We have choices to make each day and those choices can bring light or darkness to those around us. I have thought long and hard about who I am and who it is that I want to be. I have arrived at a list of 7 things I want to do before I die. Why seven? No particular reason. I am just setting goals and had to start somewhere. I am sure over time this list will morph and change. But as long as I am moving forward, I am okay with course corrections along the way.

Here is my list:

1. Open VOX Cafes all over the world.

2. Live in a (or several) foreign countries for extended periods of time.

3. Open up homes all over the world for poor, hurting, marginalized and homeless people.

4. As Jason’s music manager, travel all over the world with him bringing the Light to millions.

5. Helping people discover who they were designed to be, aiding them in how to fully live in the moment, reject fear, and overcome abuses that keep many from moving toward the Light.

6. Being a living example to all of what it means to live a full and thriving life as a child of the Light.

7. Finding ways to bring love, hope and peace to many on a global scale.

Have you thought about who you are and who it is you want to be?

Care to share?

This song is for my Deanie.
I love you …

EVERYTHING
Alanis Morissette

I can be an asshole of the grandest kind
I can withhold like it’s going out of style
I can be the moodiest baby and you’ve never met anyone
Who is as negative as I am sometimes

I am the wisest woman you’ve ever met.
I am the kindest soul with whom you’ve connected.
I have the bravest heart that you’ve ever seen
And you’ve never met anyone
Who’s as positive as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I’m ashamed
There’s not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

I blame everyone else, not my own partaking
My passive-aggressiveness can be devastating
I’m terrified and mistrusting
And you’ve never met anyone as,
As closed down as I am sometimes.

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I’m ashamed
There’s not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

What I resist, persists, and speaks louder than I know
What I resist, you love, no matter how low or high I go

I’m the funniest woman that you’ve ever known
I’m the dullest woman that you’ve ever known
I’m the most gorgeous woman that you’ve ever known
And you’ve never met anyone
Who is as everything as I am sometimes

You see everything, you see every part
You see all my light and you love my dark
You dig everything of which I’m ashamed
There’s not anything to which you can’t relate
And you’re still here

(You see everything, you see every part)
And you’re still here
(You see all my light and you love my dark)
And you’re still here
(You dig everything of which I’m ashamed)
(There’s not anything to which you can’t relate)
And you’re still here…

There are some in this world (and you know who you are) that get a kick out of spying on people and then building cases against them that are completely out of context. Throw in a little pious, religiosity and you have a dangerous case of arrogant people claiming they speak for Jesus. Boy, it sure makes my efforts a lot harder.

So lurkers, since you are reading, I will take this opprtunity to say:

ask more questions … stop assuming … recognize your own fears and weaknesses …
and most importantly … figure out what it means to truly love people …

I am currently entertaining the idea that real, physical beauty is designed into all created things — nature and people. Until I find something better, I believe that there is a “standard” of beauty that we all sense. I think it has something to do with ratios or a grid that is built into all things. I believe we recognize this grid on a tangible and visceral level. I think as far as human the form goes … when a person’s form falls more in line with this ratio, the more beautiful that person seems. The genius of the design is that many different looking people can be beautiful. When people say ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder’ they are speaking of hair color, eye color, body shape etc. What I propose is that regardless of those characteristics there is something that makes someone universally beautiful.

More thoughts anyone?

More thoughts …

It was not my intention to only speak of feminine beauty. I am inclined believe that all created things follow this grid — art, music, poetry, the design/layout of a city, etc. I would love to hear your thoughts on the less visual side of things since you have explored it some.

Is it true that ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder?”

Is there a universal idea of beauty? Is it possible that beauty can be measured?

your thoughts …

Our interpretations [of the Bible] reveal less about God or the Bible than they do about us. They reveal what we want to defend, what we want to attack, what we want to ignore, what we’re unwilling to question.

In this life we have complete control over our will (or our minds/hearts). People can dictate where we go and what we do but they can’t have our hearts unless we surrender them up. I guess the question that comes to mind is what or who do we give our allegiance to?

We all give ourselves to someone or something so what is it for you?

Vox is a reality … 2006 is going to be very exciting!

I have been thinking a lot lately about the power we all have and yet it often seems ignored or untapped or maybe we are unaware of it at all. What is mind over matter? Is it real? Jesus told us that we would do even greater things than He. What did He mean? There is so much supernatural stuff in scripture. Yet, we often read these stories and accept them or try to pick them apart intellectually and dismiss the power that is expressed. What more are we capable of? What kind of power have we actually been given? Can we all heal?

I have a friend who recently went through a surgery. Just before that, we had engaged in some good back-and-forth e-mails about spirituality and she spoke of “this world of brainwashed”. I couldn’t get that phrase out of my head … It fascinates me. Brainwashing. I often look around me and see people as cattle. We move in herds going with the opinion of the masses and believing in things because charismatic people say that they are true. Often I see people following and not owning or exploring their own thoughts for themselves. The mind is powerful. It is a gift given to each of us to explore countless possibilities. I think most of the brain is untapped potential. Take autism for example. Autistic savants are born with miswired neurons - and extraordinary gifts. Science continues to try and understand and explain why an autistic person may not be able to tie their own shoes yet are able able to multiply long columns of numbers instantly and factor cube roots in seconds. What potential is locked away in our brains!

Ok, so back to my friend who had surgery … she then updated me on her condition and said that everyone (her nutritionist, her chiropractors, her healers) for years have been telling her that her immune system is weak. Is it really weak or has the power of suggestion made her weak? Why if they have the answers isn’t she getting better? Do these healers, chiropractors, nutritionists have an agenda? Like if she got better she wouldn’t be paying them the big bucks anymore. OK, I want to be fair and not villainize. I recognize doctors practice on patients all the time. Often they don’t have answers and people don’t get better. They say it’s their best guess based on data collected and pervious experience. I don’t think, generally, they have an agenda to keep people sick. *SIDE NOTE* So, what makes people sick? Is it only genetics, environments, diet? Could it be will or suggestion? How much is mind over matter?

Once home from surgery, my friend went to her holistic chiropractor and got infrared treatment with electronic frequency to increase hydration, and focus on wound healing. Then, she got an energetic healing session with a Healer she knows from Denver. What is all of this I wondered… So, I asked my friend, Chrissy, who has explored the world of chakras, color/light energies, rock healing etc. and studied with a healing practitioner for years. Are people healed this way? Her response to me is that she did it for years and yeah it works. How? I asked. With rock healing, for example, she said you place the rocks strategically onto someone’s body and walk away. Vibrations and energies in the rocks help you … (there is probably more to it than that but we were just having an informal conversation). And I said, that works??? What she said next really intrigued me. She said, the human mind is powerful. We get told something and we believe it. OK, so if this is how it worked then, are we not healing ourselves??? Mind over matter … believe you can move mountains and you will kind of stuff!!! Is there more to it than that?

I believe people are sometimes really healed. So, how are they healed? Is there a power that is from another source? People are healed apart from the power of Jesus. In the scriptures there are references to people using powers apart from God. And they did heal and do supernatural and unexplainable things. Some would say this power comes from demons. Then, there are healings that occur in science/medicine. Doctor have created drugs that have saved millions of people’s lives just by combining things found on this planet. The human mind has done this. So, what does it all mean? Can we separate science from the spiritual? If God created people and their minds and He created the planet and all of the things on it to sustain us than has he set it up for us to explore and heal and find power. So, maybe this is one way to tap into the power to heal–using science and medicine or herbs and rocks???

Thoughts anyone?? Input welcome.

Dean, Jason, Alex, Niza, and me (and a few more of our pals) are gonna change the world!!!

Mark my words!

hee hee…

Into the mystic…

Never again will I sit in a pew or in a row full of seats. I will not be able to anticipate a structure — Enter. Sing-a-long to a set of songs. Sit. Listen to a man talk for 45 minutes to an hour. Sing a reprise of those same entrance songs. Exit. — How do I feel about that? hmmm….

I don’t know where I am going next or what I will do. But, what I do know is that things are changing.

Things are going to look and feel very different (foreign to me).

I am being drawn into an adventure.

I know who’s leading. This brings me confidence. But, I am unsure who else will come with me.

This is what I know: I am resolved. I am afraid. I am excited. I’m not turning back.

There is a rumbling. Can you feel it?

WOW! I am overwhelmed!  It wont be long now….. am I ready???!!!!

Most importantly….it’s my anniversary today. I don’t want that fact to be lost in all of my other emotions.

Dean, thank you for loving me. Thank you for talking to me in bed this morning for an extra long time. Thank you helping me to sort out all of my crazy thoughts and emotions.
Thank you for holding me last night while I laid there, wide awake, thinking. Your calm breaths comforted me in the dark. You are a good man. (do you understand the weight of that comment?) Let me say it again, you are a good man.

You are my lover, my friend, my mystic-romantic warrior. This journey is much fuller knowing I have you to share it with.

I love you baby!

So, yesterday, I was on myspace and felt prompted to search out my ex-fiance, Greg. I often wonder what happened to him and myspace is home to over a million people who are looking to make connections for various reasons (that’s a whole nether story)… so anyway, I thought Greg might just have an account. I had searched for him before but he wasn’t on myspace.

So there I was yesterday thinking about Dean and how we are celebrating our 9 year anniversary today. I began thinking about how time flies by so fast and about how I have completely recreated my life with this man that I love so dearly. It felt a life time ago that I had a life with this other man. I almost struggle to remember the me that I was then. It feels longer than 10 years ago.

All of my thoughts found me trying one more time to find Greg on myspace. What became of him? Is he married now? Children? What are his passions? Has he explored his spirituality? Where does he live? I typed in his name and this time an account popped up! He had just signed up just two days before. (Weird how I am sensitive to things like that. The connections we have to people and the thoughts that we share as humans…anyway that’s another blog). So, the photo he chose was of him with this adorable little girl. Was that his daughter I wondered. Is he married? But, as my eyes scrolled down to his bio I saw the words ‘Orientation: Gay’. Oh my God! My heart was pounding. My emotions were so muddled I couldn’t grab hold of a clear thought. I saw a link to an additional site where he had photos posted. I quickly went there searching for some sort of answer. I was shaking. I was even beginning to doubt whether it was actually him. Could this be true? As I looked a photos I began having flash backs to my past. I began analyzing past moments to see if I could find clues. Honestly, I had my suspicions about Greg. But, they were always fleeting thoughts or jokes. But, to now have concrete proof. How do I feel about that? I had trouble sleeping last night. I have had guilty feelings. Is it my fault somehow? There are more thoughts along those lines but to share them feels a bit to personal and too telling … so I will hold on to those for now. Anyway, I sent off an e-mail to him. When I got home last night I checked and he wrote me back. It was indeed him. It was a brief yet happy e-mail. He hasn’t shared what has been going on with him these past 10 years yet but he plans to when he returns home from a business trip. He sounds eager to share…wow….wow….I don’t know what else to say.

Okay, I got the first bit out of me. I will write more soon. Many thoughts are swirling. I will write when something makes a bit more sense.

I’m excited by the rumblings and wind that is blowing across our path. At this place and in this time we are being given a chance. Not many can see. Not many will listen. I want to follow it. I know this wind. I am not afraid. But because it is wind I am having trouble knowing exactly where it is leading me. To me, right now, the sun has set and the darkness is hard to navigate in. Where do I go from here? Am I going in the right direction? I need a glimpse of light to know that I am OK.

What about the cafe? I was told that the cafe is merely a platform for opportunity. I absolutely believe this. We don’t need the cafe. We saw that some still came and wanted to experience the mystic even when we were sitting on lawn chairs. Is this direction right for right now? Will our people use this opportunity? Will they allow others into their lives so that others can be given opportunity? Will they continue to be spectators, apathetic spirits?

What comes next, my friends? I want to be in the mystic. I want to live with confidence. I want to know that my life counts for something. I don’t want to be another body just taking up space. I want to run. I want to be free. I am ready. Will anyone come and journey with me? No excuses. This is our life right now. Tomorrow will never come. This is our one shot at it.

I will be waiting in the fog. Come navigate with me…

Well it’s as I suspected…Kevin from (local church in the Conejo Valley) called today and said that they had not anticipated that Melissa would need $1,500. He said they would only be able to give Melissa $200 at the most. You have got to be kidding me! I don’t know why they even say they have a “program that pays first/last months rent.” What do they think rent costs out here? That’s no program. I can give Melissa $200 and I am just one person. They would be better off saying they don’t do much to help the poor. At least that would be honest. (Local church in the Conejo Valley) has bank loads of money. What a joke. They spend over $20,000 a month on the lighting bill alone and they paid over $35,000 for that giant neon cross on the front lawn. What are they hoping to communicate with that monstrosity anyway? That they are “Christians”?!?!

It gets better … Kevin did say on my answering machine those frightful, nauseating, and useless words, “we will be praying for Melissa and please call us if you need anything else.” Praying!!! … Need anything else!!! What does that mean? Jesus was love in action … not just a pat on the back with some trite words. No wonder Christian’s are called hypocrites.

So, as I continue to learn about resources in this area that are available to actually help the poor, houseless and otherwise marginalized in this community I can safely scratch (local church in the Conejo Valley) off the list.

A few weeks ago I read the book called Under the Overpass. It is the true story of a young, Christian college guy who felt convicted to leave all of his comforts and live as a homeless man for 5 months. The book is his journey. He lived in 5 cities in the US (Denver, Washington DC, San Francisco, Portland, and San Diego). He shared the experiences he had, the people he met, and how he was treated on the streets, specifically by the church. Needless to say it was not good. In fact, it was downright despicable. He encountered a situation almost identical to this one. It grieves me to know that what was printed in this book really does happen. Although, I sadly have to admit I am not surprised.

It will take time … but I am going to fight to change the way that the ‘church’ treats the poor and marginalized. I have started this change (as one person) and the Spring has started this change as one community. From here I hope more and more people are impacted to live and to actually love other people.

Ok end of soapbox. Thanks for listening.

PS I have omitted the name of the church but NOT because I want to protect the innocent!

My Friend has the e-mail address “church people plague me” and you know what, it’s true! I have never felt more condemnation, shame and contempt from another people group. “church people” use the Bible like it’s a weapon. They spit out these random quotes that make them feel justified to treat others with a lack of love, grace and respect. Being able to spit out words of truth does not mean you are speaking Truth. Church people (or religious people) are like cattle. They hear something and immediately follow and assimilate it as if it is fact. They run around firehosing people with these ideas. They don’t engage God for themselves so they have no concept of God’s real heart or intent. They just spout out lovely cliches that sound really great to other church people who affirm this insanity and nod in agreement. They sit together on these judgments seats casting out final verdicts to anyone who crosses their path! Following concepts becomes so much easier than following a person…cause when you follow a person you are required to grow and shift and move. And when you love people, you are bound to come to the end of yourself and you will have to face your own issues. For many that is WAY TOO UNCOMFORTABLE and so it’s easier to hide your real yuk behind religiosity and concepts so that you can feel better about yourself and critize others who in your mind are “less godly”—all the while embracing concepts that you don’t even fully understand!!!

We are called to journey together–people with people–people with God. We live in community because in a group their is safety, power and wisdom. When we know each other we can speak truth to each other. We can help each other to see the things that as individuals we may not see or struggle to see. We can share ideas and dreams and empower one another to keep going–running toward God, learning how to fully live, learning how to love. How can you really love when you aren’t truly living alongside people. We are all broken and scared and complex. And real love comes in getting involved in peoples yuk! I can feel Jesus when I read the Gospels and He doesn’t shame people. The only time he speaks harshly or blasts anyone…guess who it is…yup, it’s church people! Interesting!!! He knows as people we struggle…He wants us to be honest and real with Him and with others. NO masks! How can we fully live if we aren’t taking a good, hard look at ourselves! You know what that brings…it bring humility and compassion! That’s where we need to start in order to LOVE. LOVE and GRACE man! that’s where it’s at–a state of existence we need to live in constantly. God just wants to be near us and wants us to allow Him to love us and He wants us to love Him. It’s simple really.

I was talking to Chrissy yesterday. I don’t know her really well but just in the few times we’ve talked I really connect with her. Anyway, we were talking about children and what a great responsibility it is to shape the mind of a person and how terrifying it is cause we don’t want to screw anyone else up! She asked about my childhood…I laughed cause I had a pretty decent one. Parents are still married…they loved me pretty good and yet I am still screwed up..WOW that sucks! She laughed too cause she related to what I was saying. This is what I need to remember…when someone is bugging the hell out of me–be patient–cause it doesn’t take much to be pretty jacked up in this life and we are all trying to wade through our crap. I need to be part of the solution –not the problem. It blows my mind, really, that God manages to get stuff done through us … pretty cool!

Yesterday we hung out at the beach all day. Around 6PM Dean gathered us together and talked to us about the meaning of baptism. We come together as a group to be witnesses like at a wedding. We witness two people making a decision to live with each other for the rest of their lives. So, like at a wedding, baptism is a public declaration of your love for this person, Jesus, and as friends we are there to celebrate the moment and to be witnesses of this decision. And, as friends we are around each other when things are great and when things get tough. We will feel like giving up sometimes…and that’s why we have people/friends around us…

Ok so all of this is leading my thoughts into “going to church.” We are the church, right? So for us yesterday, “the church” hung out at the beach. Some went scuba diving, others sunbathed. Some climbed rocks and sat with a seal while watching the waves. Some surfed. Some played ultimate frisbee. We are just people. We enjoy each other and help each other experience God. We cry with each other. We help each other with words of affirmation and Truth. Why does it get so complex? Why do we shame and hurt others? Why do we have expectations about what church is and who people are supposed to be? We all worshipped yesterday (in the different forms I listed above). And, then as a group, we witnessed and celebrated 4 people getting baptized. Was that not church?

I have more thoughts but I need to process some more…

There’s still time
All that has been devastated
Can be recreated
Realize
We pick up the broken pieces
Of our lives
Giving ourselves to each other…
ourselves to each other
To rest our head on…
Who’s got my back now?
When all we have left is deceptive
So disconnected
So what is the truth now?

Tell me the truth now…

I wrote this on December 29, 2004. It’s good to have it around…keeps me focused!
What comes to mind first is the hope of simplifying my life. I want to continue to make room for more people. Recently, a friend of Jason’s asked me what my hobbies were. I just sat there pondering for several minutes. The answer I came up with was, “people are my hobby.” It was intriguing to me to actually put that thought into words. But, it’s true. Shortly after that, I actually sat down and examined my Day Planner and sure enough almost every day is full of time spent with others. That’s not to say we don’t have many past-time interests.We are very eclectic. Everything from running and scuba diving to a literary book club I recently started. But, people are what come to my mind and seem to be the priority. Right now we have an 18 year old girl, Lindsay, living with us. She’s proud to share with anyone who will listen that she is a lesbian and an agnostic. What a fire and a spirit she has. And, at 18, she chooses to work with disabled children. She is a gem!  On Christmas Eve, as we worked outside, we met a women and her handicapped daughter who were about to be homeless. She was trying to get to her boyfriend so they could spend Christmas together. We gave her a ride. I felt prompted to give her a specific amount of money, too, but I dismissed the thought. Then, Dean took me aside and asked me how much money I had in my wallet. I said, “a lot, why?” He said, “I think we should give her money.” I had that number in my mind already and so I asked him how much he thought we should give. He said the exact amount. How cool is that!!! So, we slipped her the money too. She just weeped and said she was so embarrassed. But, my immediate response was, “Don’t be embarrassed. We are all in this world together and we need to carry each other.” She called me the day after Christmas and asked if we had a place for her to stay. For now, she, her boyfriend, and their daughter are temporarily living in the motor-home. And how perfect that Lindsay works with special needs kids. Lindsay has already given Elaine (the mom) a ton of numbers where she can seek more assistance with her daughter. Lindsay kept saying it was so rewarding to be able to help like that. Nice how things piece together.

So this brings me to my next hope and dream. I want to learn to love people more. I mean really love. I want to spend more time staring into the eyes of strangers and finding the value and uniqueness of each person. The experience I had with Elaine and her daughter … I want more of that. I know it isn’t hard to find people who are in need. I just have to slow down and open my eyes. AND most importantly, I have to fight the urge to listen to all the excuses that flood my mind as to why I would rather divert my eyes or ignore someone than actually get into the messiness of their lives. It’s a risk. It’s uncomfortable and yet it is the most rewarding purposeful experience I have ever felt. So, I want to thrive in that tension and allow love to win.

This brings me to something I want to start up in 2005. The poor and marginalized have become very important to me. Did you know that over 500 people are houseless in the Conejo Valley. And that number is only based on those who actually sought shelter on the given survey night. 65% are long time county residents. Over 52% are women and children.  32% are working individuals. And of the 500+ people surveyed only 8 wished to remain houseless. Not the statistics I expected or assumed. A few churches in the area have volunteered to open their doors one night a week to house people but that is only during the winter months. Most people end up finding shelter in bushes, under bridges, or in cars. There is no official shelter for houseless people. My big hope and dream is to raise enough awareness to this very real problem so we can raise enough money to have a shelter built in the Conejo Valley. I will have to fight bureaucracy because the city doesn’t want a permanent shelter here.The challenge excites me! I fight to win! This year, my good friend/running partner and I are going to design a race and all the money collected for registration will go towards a building. I assume this is just the first of many fund-raising ideas. We are calling the race Run for Cover. We have started an organization called Embrace which is umbrellaed under the Spring as a non-profit. My friend’s husband owns a bike shop and has a ton of connections with the park rangers for Wildwood and Sycamore Canyon. We will definitely get permission to map out a trail for the race. Her husband can get sponsors through his bike shop to provide gels and sports drinks. The Spring will provide the water/volunteers to man water points throughout the race. We have a ton of connections with Starbucks and Jamba Juice so we’re hoping they will set up booths and give out drinks for the runners after the race. We are pretty excited about it.

Apart from that, I have been collecting blankets to provide to the various shelters. I have also started what I am calling Laundry Love. We have a big Sparkets bottle sitting in the Cafe on Sunday nights. We ask people to toss in their spare change. As we collect enough money, we’ll head to the local shelters, gather up dirty clothes, and wash them at the laundromat. That way when people leave the shelter the next morning they will do so with clean clothes.

As for family, we are a great team. We all have very special and unique gifts that fit us together like a puzzle. We have similar passions for life and we flow together very naturally. We’ve all been enjoying the extra time spent with Aaron and in 2005 hope to nurture even stronger bonds. Aaron also talked with us about helping with STAGGER. So, with all that support he should do very well if this company is what he ultimately chooses to pursue.

Dean and I gel together so well and 2005 marks 9 years of marriage for us. Can you believe it? In some ways it feels as if we have been married forever and in some ways as if we are newlyweds. Life with him is as natural as breathing in and breathing out. I know from the many others around us that we are an exception (and as sad as that is) I am so thankful for our relationship. Often when we talk, we complete each others sentences. So, I told him this morning that “he completes me” (it’s a quote from the movie Jerry Maguire).

We have discussed adding to our family. I am not sure if that means birthing children or adopting. That may not be something that happens in 2005 but the talks have begun!

Traveling is nice. We are going to Alaska in January. We like to travel to unwind but other times we travel to assist others. I am usually such a structured and schedule dependent person but when we travel I am so laid back and “go with the flow”. We usually have no agenda. (for anyone who gets it… my “P” comes out.) We just move where life takes us. I like that. Dean has been to Russia and all over the US. Abroad, I have been to Ireland 3 times, England, Austria, France (ah, yes, Paris is beautiful), and the Czech Republic (where some of my ancestors are from). I have also been to Hawaii and Mexico. And, as a family, we have visited many US States and traveled to Mexico. We love New York and hope to return in 2005. At the end of 2005 and into 2006 we will all be hitting landmark dates. Dean will turn 40, Aaron 20, Jason 18 and graduating, Johnny 30, and me 33 (like 3’s … that’s my excuse) So, as a family we hope to celebrate birthdays, Christmas, and graduation with a trip to Hawaii to scuba dive. I would love to show the guys Europe. We may chose to go that way if Aaron doesn’t get scuba certified in time. My passport needs to be renewed. Italy is one place I would love to experience … but I’ll go just about anywhere in Europe. Our good friends are moving to Amsterdam this summer so I know it wont be long before we are making our way there too.

As for big, long-term retirement accounts and investments … we have none. We hope to eventually have some savings put aside for the ailments that old age inevitably will bring but as for retirement, no thank you! I know many would find us crazy… but that’s ok. We hope to never retire. I don’t want to stop until I fall over dead. There is just so much to do and a life-time isn’t long enough to accomplish it all.

So let’s ring in 2005!

Cheers,
Tina

WHERE TO BEGIN? GOD DESIGNS THE JOURNEY.

I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head. A few weeks ago Dean invited Shawna to share her story of Dan’s death with the Spring. It was a challenging night for me. I guess the purpose of the evening was to make people begin to think about the “what if’s” and if we would still follow and pursue after God if life ended up not going exactly as we want it to. It was suggested that God may not ever be enough for us apart from His gifts. Not that God isn’t enough but that in our humanity we could never be completely satisfied with Him, alone, this side of eternity. I believe that we all have one (or several things) that if they touched or affected our lives we would be almost incapable of continuing to follow God. For example, losing a spouse, or financial security, or health, may be too great of a burden and leave us with too many unanswered questions to be ok with the tension of the “I don’t knowâ€? and “God is still worth it.â€? For each person it is different. Everyone has their “one thing”. This blows my mind because I have always been taught to believe that if I am a good Christian than God will come into my life and fill all of the pain and brokenness of who I am. He is capable of doing so but, am I capable as this limited being to think it’s enough? I am beginning to believe that we are not intended to attain that fully. And that the point of this life is the journey with Him through our brokenness that He longs for us to have. Is it God’s hope that we would actually just want to know Him (I mean really know Him, not just about Him) and continue trying to get to know Him for as long as we are on this planet? In the end, we will experience complete union but I believe for now it’s all about the journey. I believe this is backed up all throughout scripture. For as much as great men of Godâ€â€?Abraham, Moses, Job, David, etc.â€â€?loved God, they did so very imperfectly. They still longed for and depended upon earthly things along side their relationship with Him.

IT’S LOVING JESUS OR ELSE DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME.

God is not an idol, a philosophy, or a means to fill a void. You can always just replace one religious philosophy for another. An acknowledgment of God or embracing of his “waysâ€? so you can live a more fruitful life is still NOT even close!!! It’s more, more, more … a simple, pure, love for Jesus. We find ourselves laughing off what we find is impossible and in turn we just limit what God can do in our lives. He dreams such high, open, wild, and free dreams for us. Can we handle it?

UNTIDY TENSIONS.

I met a man over the weekend who I believe came to the end of himself from a traumatic experience he recently faced. He is no longer comfortable with some of those unknowns and now wonders about God being God. Although it is uncomfortable, sometimes we have to be ok with the “I don’t knows” in life. Crappy things happen and God is still God. Why did Dan die? To say anything beyond “I don’t know” becomes trite and insensitive. We don’t always have to have a quick or neat and tidy answer for everything. Let God be God!! We have to somehow find comfort in the tension of the “I don’t knowâ€? and TRUST that God’s understanding of things is impossible for us to understand as limited human beings. So this man, Spencer, couldn’t continue to follow God without rewriting God’s truth so that he could package his pain into a neat and tidy package. It was tragic and made me tremble about my own desire for “balance” and not tension. Following Jesus is all about tension. Truth is uncomfortable. The gospel collides with culture.

TOUCHING A REAL GOD THROUGH REAL COMMUNITY.

I also believe we were created to live in community. If Jesus is the exact representation of God and came to do all that he saw the Father doing, then what He longs for is our time and a relationship with us. He built his entire public ministry on relationship with twelve men and even more specifically three. He is inviting us into a partnership, moving people towards the Father. And when He left He promised to send someone else, the Holy Spiritâ€â€?again, stressing relationship and fellowship. Even in the garden he said it wasn’t good for man to be alone. It was just Adam and God (what could be better than that) but he created Eve. I think God wants us to experience Him THROUGH the relationships we have with people. For example, my relationship with my husband is supposed to be the greatest human expression of the relationship God wants to have with me. God tells us that. Makes more sense now. Why does God hate divorce? Maybe because it breaks apart the love relationship that he longs to have with us through his people. He is jealous for us. Kinda cool. He wants us as a pure bride for one husband … us and Him. To know God is to know Jesusâ€â€?know his thoughts, what he sounds like, feels like, how he interacts with his people. He said if you’ve seen Me you’ve see the Father. That was offensive to religious people because it implied a relentless pursuit to know God personally, not through religious programs or rituals. That seemed unholy or irreverent to this powerful, terrifying God that they came to understand. But, Jesus said, NO, He is a friend, a Father, someone who longs to just get our attention. So, why has church become so offensive? Maybe because we have gotten it all wrong. What is church? It’s supposed to be people not structure. The early church lived in community with each other. They ate together, sang together, helped each other out financially, took care of each other’s kids, helped the poor, and (bottom line) they loved people. They lived inclusive lives not exclusive. They were real with each other. I am all for real. I am SO NOT perfect and I never want to be put on a pedestal.

HONESTY AND ADULTRY.

Ok, more husband stuff. I have been facing my brokenness lately and thinking about who I honestly really am. One of those honest admissions is about sometimes entertaining adulterous thoughts (you know, the general, hit you out of the blue, weird thoughts). Shocking?! Perhaps. But, instead of pushing them down and ignoring where they might be coming from, I have wrestled through them with God knowing He accepts me and wants to wrestle through them with me. I’m learning to think all the way through a feeling, not just be carried away by it. I think about what my life would be like with someone else. I think about how my life would look and feel different. This is a scary process, but I believe it is necessary. We are selfish people and I can see why people get divorced. In fact, I am amazed that anyone stays married. We are all vulnerable and can so easily fall. It’s quite common to end up very far away from even our best intentions. We are weak broken people. We live a tension of who we are and who we could be. But, again it’s the journey through our brokenness that I am after. I have talked to Dean about it and he has been transparent with me about having the same kind of thoughts. Sounds weird, but we are human and we need to be honest with each other and speak to each other so that truth is revealed. To keep these thoughts to myself allows me to live in the lies that the enemy whispers in my ears. It’s odd but going through all of this has made me appreciate Dean even more. I come and just have to be with him. Our love is deep, sex is awesome, his touch is healing, our conversations are irreplaceable. I feel God when we are together!
Relationship!

MEDIA TOUCHES SOMETHING REAL.

As humans we long for honesty. That’s why movies, music, and art are so powerful because many times they express that longing or desire in a very primal, real, and powerful way. These creative things speak to us at the very center of who we are. And God speaks through creativity. He speaks everywhere. Everything is connected. For me, I realize I need to journal my thoughts so that I can piece together all that God is speaking to me. If we are created in his image than we all live in this tension to get to the bottom of truth. We want to know the truth. We must know the truth. We long to connect to people like the gang on Friends, or Seinfeld. We’re dying to find out who’s getting cut from Survivor or Big Brother. We connect to people to feel alive. Maybe TV shows are so powerful because they find parallels in our lives. All of us long for truth and honesty and many of us settle for it in lesser things like religion, money, fame or status (to name a few). But, soon, we grow dissatisfied with those things too because they aren’t ultimate truth. Music has been speaking to me personally lately. I recently got a CD player for my car and I have been buying all kinds of CDs. I am in what I am calling “a Creed phase” at the moment. I went out and bought all of their albums…(kinda too little too late since they just broke up over the summer.) But, anyway, with all that I have been processing the lyrics were really speaking to where I was at. I did some research on the band (because I am addicted to the internet) and discovered many sites where young kids were pouring out in honest ways why this band meant so much to them. Many Kids (and I mean many) said they reconsidered suicide and found hope in Scott Stapp’s lyrics. Wow the power of music! This guy is just working out his spiritual journey through his music and people are being affected. Reminds me of Jason.

YOU CAN’T FAKE REAL.

Here is a real problem facing the “church” today. We have spent way too much time trying to get stuff done without getting dirty. We don’t engage people where they are at and help them in their brokenness. We don’t invite them to journey with us to explore and experience God. I came to this conclusion: as christians we have either directly or subliminally been taught that if we don’t have everything in our life looking perfect then somehow that reflects bad on God. But our life ISN’T PERFECT. So we fake it. He doesn’t need us to defend Him. He is doing just fine on His own. As leaders, Dean and I wrestle to be honest. We are afraid that if we show our sin then we will be rejected. But, I swear to you here and now, I will continue to strive to be more and more real and honest everyday. I have surround myself around real people who wear their hearts on their sleeves and who challenge me and I challenge them to be honest. I see a lot of teens who’ve grown up in conventional church walking away from God. It is truly a pattern and a problem that can’t be ignored any longer. I imagine that most of what these kids see are parents doing religious or moral things out of duty or obligation. They are consumed with unimportant things and the kids say, “no thanks.” They see hypocrisy! And kids are probably the best bullshit detectors around. They say to themselves at some point, “I can do all that you parents are doing … and without having to deal with the baggage of all that God stuff.” We need to empower kids with our passions. Speak enthusiasm into their lives. When you shed blood for your core values then people will know you believe. You can’t just join a church. You have to be excited about the adventure, and invite them to come along on the journey. Jesus said the Kingdom is upon you. How is it that we can bury something so big in our programs? There is an intense longing for something real.

TENSION.

God affects humanity by changing people. God is always about new things. The church is supposed to always be moving. It’s a revolution that never ends. We are called to move with the Spirit of God, not get comfy. Tension! I don’t think we are meant to find “world peace” this side of eternity. It sounds beautiful and I know that we all long for it because that is a part of what heaven is. No amount of positive thinking will bring about world peace. That is not for here. I would prefer to say we need personal peace and that everyone in the world should have it. It’s not negativity that I am proclaiming or that somehow we shouldn’t have hope!!! It is more about the state that we find ourselves in as human beings. Wars will always be fought because we don’t want to give up control. This reminds me … I saw this great movie Monday night called Hero. It is the most beautiful moving expression of art in film that I have seen to date. It is the story of one emperor’s vision to unite a nation. Yet, to do so, he must war violently, powerfully and kill many people. His vision results in the birth of China which means “Our Land.” God spoke to me through that movie. His voice is limitless.